Connection Kata: There are Two Versions (at Least) to Every Story

There is a huge difference between what people say they do and what they actually do. Sometimes that chasm is so wide that it may not be bridged or crossed even with the greatest amount of energy and effort.

I'm talking about the promises and good words exchanged during events where people work the room. Of course, there are at least two versions to every story, but please will you explain:

• the person who comes up to you and proceeds to tell you they are experts at everything, especially the things you do -- how is this game of one-upping you going to aid connection?
• the type who spends exactly two minutes with you, enough to extract a business card, then proceeds to sign you up for their email and newsletter from there on -- why would you ever consider a service that was pushed on you?
• the business guru who is so above everyone else in the room that it's clear they are doing you a favor just by stopping being important for the two seconds it takes them to know you cannot get them the (money, connections, fame) they are seeking -- didn't they already have all of that?

This is in person spamming -- a physical waste of time for everyone. I'm thinking that just like we've learned to deal with the spam in our inbox and by phone, we are learning to tune out this approach. Alas, this is to the detriment of many professional associations events where we used to go to learn something and meet like minded people.

Have we really gone so far down the road of entitlement and bottom line-thinking with everything we do that we have completely foregone the old art of staying in conversations long enough to find a point of connection?

Or is it perhaps the application of formulaic advice dispensed on networking that is creating this sort of massive misunderstanding? Remember your story, do not apply anything blindly -- the successful people you'd like to hang out with are also extremely nice and quite down to earth. That is because they found what works for them, their story, and that adds tremendous value.

The Bow

By all means mingle, get out of your usual circle, meet new people. And when you do that, be prepared to listen. Believe it or not there is a time and place for everything, even your own agenda. If you feel you do not have the time, what you're missing is a vital ingredient to forging connections -- an attitude of giving.

Be secure and confident enough to offer value first and never worry about what you get back. This bears repeating at least once -- never worry about what you get back. I can give you dozens of examples of professionals who behave this way and get plenty of referral business. No one forgets someone who is present in the conversation with them.

Keep your promises. If you know you will forget, write the promise in the back of the person's business card. It's a simple thing to do that can really send a powerful message -- you care. Be grateful that someone would rely on your advice and follow up, and be grateful of the time they would spend with you.

The Practice

Quick, tell me, how many thank you cards have you sent out this week, month, year? If you cannot remember when the last time was, it's time to go buy some. A well written thank you card always makes a strong impression. Often I send a book along, not just any book -- a book that I think the recipient will enjoy, learn something from, find useful in their line of work.

Don't think only work-related though. Sometimes people need a lift -- music, poetry, something inspirational. Has someone just started a new job? Is someone under a certain degree of stress in their lives? These are all things to consider -- and they will highlight your emotional intelligence.

Whenever you meet other professionals who might benefit from connecting with people in your network, offer to make introductions. Tell them (both of them) why, what each can learn, benefit from meeting the other. And while you're at it, when was the last time you told the people you are connected with why you like them, what makes them special? Think about it, wouldn't you like to know yourself what people value in you?

[tip of the hat to Harry Joiner for the spamming idea and to Drew McLellan for answering my Tweet]

Comments

[Mark Howell]

This is a really good practice idea. I send emails to connect, but rarely do I send anything with it. I'm going to try it! I already use Highrise as a way of tracking what I need to do. This will be an easy integration! Thanks for a very valuable post!

mark

[Valeria Maltoni]

Email has a place in the communications mix, of course. I try to keep my emails practical and short, especially to those in my network who I know are like me and might manage multiple accounts. The idea is to make it extremely easy for people to deal with my communications.

Another example is meet ups and appointments. Whenever I initiate a suggestion, I will attach suggested dates and times as well as potential places to my request. It is easier to react to something than have to come up with ideas.

[Karen Hegmann]

Valeria

I loved your post. I can't tell you how much I empathize with your experiences.

As a member of several professional associations, I can't tell you the number of times that people fail to do what they said they would do. The person who actually DOES follow through definitely stands out from the crowd.

I'm not sure where this "better than thou" attitude comes from. Some people may feel that rudeness is the best way towards fulfilling their goals.

What's worse is when someone says it's OK to contact them, hands you their business card, then totally ignores you when you follow up.

When someone fails to live up to their end of the bargain, it's not a conversation -it's an insult, and it makes them look like a phony. What people don't realize is that by keeping their promises and following up, they will stand out in the crowd and this will go a long way in developing and nurturing future business opportunities.

Business is all about people, but somehow the art of personal conversation is beginning to seem more like a lost art out there. It's a bit ironic that technology has picked up where the "corner store" philosophy seems to have ended.

[Peter Kim]

Great post Valeria.

[Carolyn Ann]

One thing that is valuable when interacting with people: genuine sincerity.

- Are "you" really interested in me, or just getting to know me because it furthers your goals?

There are many tools out there that can help you appear sincere, without any actual effort on your part. You can seem interested in the person as a person, and, well, it ain't nice to be so manipulative.

There seems to be a feeling, especially in cities, that people are disposable. You don't have to make much effort to know anyone, because they can be ignored with startling ease. The point to this is "don't be friend unless you mean to be a friend". Be a client, a business contact, a casual acquaintance or 'someone I know', but don't confuse the difference between those and being a "friend".

When meeting people, be aware that your reputation invariably isn't what you think you it is, and it's always ahead of you. And don't be put out when the other person hasn't a clue who you are!

There's a substantial difference between knowing someone online and in-the-flesh. I'm struck by how often people seem to forget that! Once online, all pretenses at being polite get cast out the nearest window, and then they wonder why you're mad at them when next you meet. (If you need to know politeness, look up Emily Post and/or the thing Quentin Crisp wrote about it.

"Please", "Thank you" (or "thanks"), and "sorry" go a long way to lubricating the wheels of a relationship! Really listening does, too. That would be a bit more than listening for the keywords that perk your interest. Listening is an art that many ignore; try it and see who's actually listening to you: do they understand what you said, or are they simply making noises in response? (Not to be (too) gender-biased, but women tend to be much better at listening than men! :-) ) Listening is not only polite, it's a very useful skill.

Don't presume. We all do this, but some make an effort to not be idiotic about it, while others are simply oblivious. (For example, they assume that because they know "it", you do, too.) Sorry, that comment has little place in this response, but it sort of slipped out and I've decided to leave it in! (See: I don't presume! :-) )

Above all: don't take the other person for granted. Meaningful conversation isn't about boasting rights, or making sure that they remain your customer. Conversation is about relationships, and by making the other person feel valued as a person, they'll stay your customer. At the very least, you can hope they say nice things about you to others. But if you try to manipulate them: don't be surprised when your reputation takes a long nose dive. The relationship usually doesn't survive the foreshortened flight, either.

(If the conversation is about trying to keep them as a customer - you've got a few more problems than are going to be solved in a conversation! Think: credibility.)

One last thing: you're not going to get along with everybody. It's worthless even trying. Some people just rub you the wrong way, bore the socks off you and could be reasonably put to work curing insomnia. Or you just don't like them! Don't push it; it's not worth the effort. Sometimes a relationship starts out well, and goes downhill from there. Again, don't push it. We all have enough stress in our lives.

Don't view people as disposable, and you'll stand a better chance that they won't view you in that way. No guarantees, though! Conversations become meaningful when the participants are sincere.

Carolyn Ann

PS Apologies for the lecture; it sort of just happened! :-) <- Embarrassed smiley.

[Valeria Maltoni]

@Karen -- as well, sometimes professional associations tend to be well attended by people on the vendor side so the few on the client side get a lot of pitches. The most egregious one was a print vendor who told me I was stupid for not considering his company. He had had one drink too many... still! I think it often comes down to not knowing where to go next if the "pitch" doesn't seem to work. I say just be yourself, talk normally, get to know the person. I could have easily referred him into some other company.

@Peter -- thank you for stopping by. I know analysts hear the stories about vendors all the time ;-)

@Carolyn Ann -- you are so on the money with your observation about people who can be polished and fake interest, but their heart is not really in it. That's where my comment about application of formulaic advice comes in coupled with the persona who is too important to further a conversation unless you can further their agenda. Well, we do have assumptions, sure. It's good to ask questions that can help us understand better what the other is saying. With the caveat that sometimes the lie is embedded in the question ;-) Not forcing relationships is smart. There is a time and purpose for everything. I can remember several examples where the timing was off or the opportunity to connect was just not there, and later both materialized. In essence, be flexible and open minded. And yes, friend is an important word to be tossed around easily.

[Seni Thomas]

On the money! Great post.

2 points:

1. It's really great to meet new people with new perspectives. Don't just think outside the box, step out of it completely and experience another POV, if even for a moment.

2. When I network I like to place people in a mental categories depending on their areas of interest. Then as I am devouring my Greader feed I continually send out articles to these people. It shows you actually care and your providing something of value. Additional benefits are you get to hear their take various issues and they may even start to like you.

-Seni

[Valeria Maltoni]

A person after my heart! I love your approach on making mental notes according to interests and then sharing resources liberally. There is a balance between sending too much or not enough. Just like in conversations eventually we learn to fall into a rhythm and tempo, which is hard to do without visual cues (like our meeting/conference call;-)

You're a good listener and have strong follow up -- two skills in demand along with ability to facilitate. Now I know some smart company will snatch you up.