Language Lessons and 5 Ways to Ruin a Conversation

“The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man's observation, not overturning it” [Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton, British politician, poet, critic and prolific novelist, 1803-1873]

Words are very powerful. Using a term in stead of another can make a tremendous difference in changing the conversation. Think of the image and language of war, a metaphor that has been taken up so swiftly and pervasively by business in management books. Those words operate in a terribly negative space -- front lines, command and control, etc. it's a mindset of "we" and "them", a collision of opposites.

Call me a contrarian, I like to look at things differently and to use language deliberately so that every sound uttered contains a positive inflection and tone, a reason to enroll the most human of traits, emotion, to reach up, achieve, inspire, open and engage possibilities.

Martin Luther King, Jr. did not start his speech with a PowerPoint (having the power/control to make a point) and statistics. What he said was: "I have a dream" and then painted a picture, a story of what could, not what should not.

There is another reason why when the terminology is wrong, the energy is misdirected -- assumptions. This is the baggage we carry on our shoulders from situations past and baggage by definition is personal, thus not all inclusive. We do not really stop ourselves and check for bad words/terminology the same way we check to make sure the numbers are correct. Yet we should, as reductive and limiting terms can run a company amok in the same way that poor numbers do.

The word "conversation" itself contributed to opening up the dialogue in business. Now let's hope that we don't relegate it to marketing as in generating leads only. Let's choose to be deliberate and aware of what conversation means and how it can be a powerful ally in crafting a strategy and executing along with it.

What are five sure ways to ruin a conversation?

1. Tell. The old writer's axiom of "show, don't tell" applies to conversation, too.
2. Think about what you're going to say next while the other person is talking. This is true whether you're talking to your spouse or a dissatisfied customer.
3. Fall back on the old customer service trick of telling someone you "hear what they're saying," rather than addressing the substance of what they are putting before you.
4. Dishonesty. Thanks to the Internet and the proliferation of instant information, we live in an increasingly transparent age. Be sure your fib will find you out. Nothing kills a conversation quicker than deceit.
5. Don't take the offramp when you get to it. Want to make sure someone avoids talking to you next time? Then don't end a conversation when it's over. Good salespeople know you can oversell yourself into a failed transaction. The same goes for conversation. Save something for next time and maybe there will actually be a next time.

There is always an opportunity before us to make the words count, and the conversation matter.

[Illusion image: say the color, not the word]

Comments

[Carolyn Ann]

Inspiring words, Valeria! I should try and live up to them! :-)

Words are the most powerful device known: they can raise armies, and destroy Kings. Ideas, put into words, have held cultures together for thousands of years - without the words, you simply can't have the ideas that do such astonishing things!

For some reason, I've read a lot about words, and their application, today. Everything from your inspiring message to exhortations to censor, because the uttered expression offends someone. There's no "truth", no half-way point, to be had; ideas and words can please and offend with equal obliviousness. (The words don't care that they say; the person writing and the people reading surely do, however.)

For me, words can't be replaced by Facebook, My Space, or any of their imitators or improvers. When all is said and done, words will continue where social networking software lacks, lags, or even fails. Photos and quick descriptions simply can't convey the ideas that words can; and sometimes a picture can convey an idea better than a poor writer. No picture will ever outdo a great writer, however.

To be a writer, you have to read. To be a conversationalist, you have to debate. To understand, you have to disclose. Those astoundingly obvious ideas are lost on way too many.

Carolyn Ann

[Karen Hegmann]

Valeria

What you're saying is so true. Words and language are so important, and are the key elements in human communication and understanding.

When I first started my career in sales, I was given a book that drew analogies between the business world and a football game. Both were described using words like "competition", "attack".. (well, you get the picture).

As a speechwriter, I find the most effective speeches are the ones where I'm able to paint word pictures based on real life stories. Even if the story is a sad one, I try to end it on a positive and inspiring note. People don't want to see PowerPoint slides, they want to hear about you.

To quote Carolyn Ann, "words are the most powerful device known." Their impact can have life changing effects or, if used in a negative way, can continue to haunt a person throughout the rest of their life.

How we decide to use them is our choice, and we should always be mindful of their power.

[Valeria Maltoni]

@Carolyn Ann -- poets and writers do understand the power of words. I was once a poet, in Italian... no more, but it left the sense of what feeling the page for the exact expression is like -- part interrogating reality as we see it, part dream. Once I was even hired on the strength of my ability to read poetry. Find a manager who gets that and you're on your way.

@Karen -- If anyone wants me to use sports it better be soccer, volley ball, or hand ball. To use something, you need to have experienced what it means on your own skin. That's why we also end up being better editors when older/wiser/more lived or matured through suffering (alas). We learn to see what is essential, the proverbial carving of additional marble to uncover the shape inside.

[Vera]

Hi Valeria,

This post made me think, not of poor conversationlists who are usually self involved, but of all the salespeople I've fled from over the years.

Most of them were 'power-sellers', the best in their field. Almost invariably they talked about 'me' ...their target. Even if they were intelligent and intutitive enough to see or uderstand something true about me, even if they 'got' me, I still withdrew. The reason was that none of them were proposing or initiating a conversation. They weren't exchanging views or information, and had nothing to tell me about themselves, only about their product, whatever it was.

This sales method succeeds with most people. The salespeople I picture were all tops in their field or company. I don't believe that this state of affairs can be changed from one side, if at all. Both parties have to want to engage in a real conversation. That's rare enough between two individuals, let alone between a big company and its marketplace full of customers.

Vera

[Valeria Maltoni]

@Vera -- and that is probably the reason why the term "conversation" is not used or understood in business. It's two-way and often (not always) business thinks about the other only as it relates to a sale.

[Cam Beck]

Can we just acknowledge a good rule of thumb that you already articulated?

Dream=big idea
PowerPoint=2 minute idea crammed into 30 minutes

[Valeria Maltoni]

@Cam -- amazing that we still use PowerPoint even to communicate ideas inside organizations. Why not write reports where reports are warranted and talk about ideas with images and key words to anchor our thinking?

[Steve Roesler]

Hi, Valeria,

These should be on a "pocket card of life" :-)

Just had an experience (customer service) with #3. The rep would repeat "I hear what you are saying" at predictable junctures and then proceed to the next step in her procedure manual--which had nothing to do with what I had just said.

Keep writing...

[Valeria Maltoni]

Steve:

That must have been so frustrating! When something like that happens you have the clear impression that in fact nobody is listening -- show me you are, don't tell me you are to sweep what I'm saying and what you need to do about it under the carpet.