People Don't Get it. Is that True?

Can we stop seeking love, approval, and appreciation?

Everyone agrees that love is wonderful, except when it's terrible. People spend their whole lives tantalized by love - seeking it, trying to hold on to it, or trying to get over it. Not far behind love, as major preoccupations, come approval and appreciation. From childhood on, most people spend much of their energy in a relentless pursuit of these things, trying out different methods to be noticed, to please, to impress, and to win other people's love, thinking that's just the way life is. This effort can become so constant and unquestioned that we barely notice it anymore. [Byron Katie, I Need Your Love, is That True?]

Sometimes the problem is in the question. When you pose it with enough conviction, a curtain falls down right in front of your eyes and you stop dead in your tracks, unable to open yourself to true inquiry.

Why don't people get it? Do you own your inquiry when you pose such a question? Does the premise open you up to possibilities with what follows? Who would you be without the thought that people don't get it?

We use our brains, our smarts, our cleverness, even our charm to capture attention and approval from others, as if our own validation depended upon that. I want others to want what they want, not what I think is the right thing for them to seek. We're asking the wrong question. A better question might be - what would you do if you knew you could not fail?

The question we're considering is that underlying the new Age of Conversation project. The exhortation, the curiosity, the inquiry are in fact an opportunity to question our thoughts about what we see. As Byron says, be a child, know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to freedom. Who decides who gets it and who doesn't? As I'm fond of thinking - it's not your job to understand me - it's mine. And so it works for others.

I hope all of you, 275 of us, will consider leading with the thought of what we would do if we knew we could not fail - us and our readers. Approach the question with a true spirit of inquiry. The more we change the way we look at things, the more the things we look at change. All we can do is be what it looks like for us to get it. The participants:

Adam Crowe, Adrian Ho, Aki Spicer, Alex Henault, Amy Jussel, Andrew Odom, Andy Nulman, Andy Sernovitz, Andy Whitlock, Angela Maiers, Ann Handley, Anna Farmery, Armando Alves, Arun Rajagopal, Asi Sharabi, Becky Carroll, Becky McCray, Bernie Scheffler, Bill Gammell, Bob Carlton, Bob LeDrew, Brad Shorr, Bradley Spitzer, Brandon Murphy, Branislav Peric, Brent Dixon, Brett Macfarlane, Brian Reich, C.C. Chapman, Cam Beck, Casper Willer, Cathleen Rittereiser, Cathryn Hrudicka, Cedric Giorgi, Charles Sipe, Chris Kieff, Chris Cree, Chris Wilson, Christina Kerley (CK), C.B. Whittemore, Clay Parker Jones, Chris Brown, Colin McKay, Connie Bensen, Connie Reece, Cord Silverstein, Corentin Monot, Craig Wilson, Daniel Honigman, Dan Goldstein, Dan Schawbel, Dana VanDen Heuvel, Dan Sitter, Daria Radota Rasmussen, Darren Herman, Darryl Patterson, Dave Davison, Dave Origano, David Armano, David Bausola, David Berkowitz, David Brazeal, David Koopmans, David Meerman Scott, David Petherick, David Reich, David Weinfeld, David Zinger, Deanna Gernert, Deborah Brown, Dennis Price, Derrick Kwa, Dino Demopoulos, Doug Haslam, Doug Meacham, Doug Mitchell, Douglas Hanna, Douglas Karr, Drew McLellan, Duane Brown, Dustin Jacobsen, Dylan Viner, Ed Brenegar, Ed Cotton, Efrain Mendicuti, Ellen Weber, Emily Reed, Eric Peterson, Eric Nehrlich, Ernie Mosteller, Faris Yakob, Fernanda Romano, Francis Anderson, G. Kofi Annan, Gareth Kay, Gary Cohen, Gaurav Mishra, Gavin Heaton, Geert Desager, George Jenkins, G.L. Hoffman, Gianandrea Facchini, Gordon Whitehead, Graham Hill, Greg Verdino, Gretel Going & Kathryn Fleming, Hillel Cooperman, Hugh Weber, J. Erik Potter, J.C. Hutchins, James Gordon-Macintosh, Jamey Shiels, Jasmin Tragas, Jason Oke, Jay Ehret, Jeanne Dininni, Jeff De Cagna, Jeff Gwynne, Jeff Noble, Jeff Wallace, Jennifer Warwick, Jenny Meade, Jeremy Fuksa, Jeremy Heilpern, Jeremy Middleton, Jeroen Verkroost, Jessica Hagy, Joanna Young, Joe Pulizzi, Joe Talbott, John Herrington, John Jantsch, John Moore, John Rosen, John Todor, Jon Burg, Jon Swanson, Jonathan Trenn, Jordan Behan, Julie Fleischer, Justin Flowers, Justin Foster, Karl Turley, Kate Trgovac, Katie Chatfield, Katie Konrath, Kenny Lauer, Keri Willenborg, Kevin Jessop, Kris Hoet, Krishna De, Kristin Gorski, Laura Fitton, Laurence Helene Borei, Lewis Green, Lois Kelly, Lori Magno, Louise Barnes-Johnston, Louise Mangan, Louise Manning, Luc Debaisieux, Marcus Brown, Mario Vellandi, Mark Blair, Mark Earls, Mark Goren, Mark Hancock, Mark Lewis, Mark McGuinness, Mark McSpadden, Matt Dickman, Matt J. McDonald, Matt Moore, Michael Hawkins, Michael Karnjanaprakorn, Michelle Lamar, Mike Arauz, Mike McAllen, Mike Sansone, Mitch Joel, Monica Wright, Nathan Gilliatt, Nathan Snell, Neil Perkin, Nettie Hartsock, Nick Rice, Oleksandr Skorokhod, Ozgur Alaz, Paul Chaney, Paul Hebert, Paul Isakson, Paul Marobella, Paul McEnany, Paul Tedesco, Paul Williams, Pet Campbell, Pete Deutschman, Peter Corbett, Phil Gerbyshak, Phil Lewis, Phil Soden, Piet Wulleman, Rachel Steiner, Sreeraj Menon, Reginald Adkins, Richard Huntington, Rishi Desai, Beeker Northam, Rob Mortimer, Robert Hruzek, Roberta Rosenberg, Robyn McMaster, Roger von Oech, Rohit Bhargava, Ron Shevlin, Ryan Barrett, Ryan Karpeles, Ryan Rasmussen, Sam Huleatt, Sandy Renshaw, Scott Goodson, Scott Monty, Scott Townsend, Scott White, Sean Howard, Sean Scott, Seni Thomas, Seth Gaffney, Shama Hyder, Sheila Scarborough, Sheryl Steadman, Simon Payn, Sonia Simone, Spike Jones, Stanley Johnson, Stephen Collins, Stephen Cribbett, Stephen Landau, Stephen Smith, Steve Bannister, Steve Hardy, Steve Portigal, Steve Roesler, Steven Verbruggen, Steve Woodruff, Sue Edworthy, Susan Bird, Susan Gunelius, Susan Heywood, Tammy Lenski, Terrell Meek, Thomas Clifford, Thomas Knoll, Tiffany Kenyon, Tim Brunelle, Tim Buesing, Tim Connor, Tim Jackson, Tim Longhurst, Tim Mannveille, Tim Tyler, Timothy Johnson, Tinu Abayomi-Paul, Toby Bloomberg, Todd Andrlik, Troy Rutter, Troy Worman, Uwe Hook, Valeria Maltoni, Vandana Ahuja, Vanessa DiMauro, Veronique Rabuteau, Wayne Buckhanan, William Azaroff, Yves Van Landeghem

[image by Kris Kan Photography]

Comments

[Tammy Lenski]

Valeria,

I've kept the phrase "what would you do if you knew you could not fail?" on my desk since I went into business 10 years ago. It's been my informal mantra and the phrase that helps me ensure I'm thinking big enough about what I'm doing.

I love that you've invited all of us to write our Age of Conversation segments with that in mind!

[Timothy Johnson]

Excellent post, Valeria. And a relevant challenge. Throwing caution to the wind has become a sort of mantra the past year for me. The number of professional risks I've taken over the past year makes me stagger a little in retrospect (if I let it), so I can truly appreciate your comment. And while my essay has already been drafted, it reflects the spirit of your question.

Looking forward to co-authoring with you and this amazing group!

[Valeria Maltoni]

@Tammy - thank you for kicking off this conversation. I suspect many think along the same lines. Sometimes we get lazy and go for the punchy question or quote. The more I was thinking about the "assignment", the more I was seeing opportunity.

@Tim - I would expect nothing less from you and I'm sure of the many on this list. The post was a good reminder to me that if we get it we have the chance to show how.

[Michael Seaton]

Interesting and thought provoking piece.

It seems that from the time we are children in school we are taught that failure is to be avoided at all costs. My biggest and deepest learnings in life have been from failing, be it big or small.

If I thought about failure going in to may of the initiatives I have undertaken, I would have put the brakes on.

I believe we should banish the question "What if" unless there are positive words attached.

[Yvonne DiVita]

Failure is not an option, so aptly put by Susan B. Anthony. One may sometimes move in another direction, but that is not failure.

I used to think I failed at life - until I realized I have never tried to live.

Now, I succeed at life...there is no bigger task in my world. To succeed at life is to rise every day and do what needs doing.

Failure is not an option.

[Steve Woodruff]

It's a bold question, Valeria, and thought-provoking. Is it realistic, however, or just slightly over the border of delusional? (we do fail, after all). How about this variation: What would you do if you knew that failure is OK? Just musing...

[Valeria Maltoni]

@Michael - this is a smart group of people for sure. Yes, failure is an option. We should not manage to avoid failure. So the point is to look at things from a different perspective and not get caught in being literal (or right).

@Yvonne - it's a mantra, a rally, a departure to think positive. Yes.

@Steve - glad this caught your attention. How about: failure is OK, failure is an option.

[Kate Trgovac]

Hi, Valeria .. I love this post - thank you for putting your own spin on the promotion of the AOC2. I've been putting off writing mine b/c I wasn't sure how to add some value. You've given me some inspiration! Looking forward to seeing your contribution to the book!

[Valeria Maltoni]

Thank you so much for reaching out, Kate. And thank you for adding me on Twitter. I'm sure your post will be interesting and fun; your blog exudes both. Looking forward to reading your take on AoC2.

[Ann Handley]

You have such a wonderful way of phrasing things.... thanks, as always, for giving me something to think about.

See you next week!